Uncovering Limiting Beliefs: How to Unlearn Your Learned Helplessness
The other day I let Lola, our black lab rescue, out into the yard without her invisible fence collar. For a moment, I panicked: “Oh no, she is going to run away, forever bounding after one of the dozens of bunny rabbits that visit our yard. My kids and wife will never speak to me again.”
As my heart raced, I looked out at a possible path to cut Lola off before she hit the local green belt. While scanning the horizon, I was interrupted by her panting and licking at my kneecap.
Looking down, I realized, perhaps predictably, that Lola wasn’t going anywhere. She intuitively stopped at the exact edge of the yard, the invisible fence boundary, and looked up at me to see if I had a treat.
The coach in me recognized that Lola has a limiting belief. She knows there are bunnies just a few feet away. She could run for miles, far from here, and faster than I could ever follow. Instead, in just a few short months, she has learned from her collar that she cannot go beyond a certain point in our yard without a little shock to the neck. Now, she no longer tests the boundaries, even when pursuing a baby bunny right to the very edge.
I started to wonder: What limiting beliefs do I have that are no longer examined or tested? I often help my clients uncover these beliefs in their sessions, and they can be quite surprising (to us both). But there are also invisible ones out there lurking deep and unexamined. They might appear in the form of negative self-talk and be reinforced for years -- or they might be assumptions that are never tested.
Finding your ‘invisible fences’
Another term for these limiting beliefs is “learned helplessness.” The term was coined by psychologists in the 1960s (funnily enough, based on a research experiment with electric shock collars on dogs). It describes a situation where a person stops trying to change their circumstances because of repeated negative experiences, even if they have the power to do so. In essence, learned helplessness and the limiting beliefs that stem from it are a passive response to psychological trauma.
How do you find a limiting belief? Tune into how you describe yourself to a new acquaintance:
What do you tell people you are bad at?
What do you affirm that you never do?
What self-deprecating tropes do you automatically repeat as a way of creating humor or comfort?
What “helpful” feedback were you once given that you now accept as gospel truth?
It can be hard to find your invisible fence -- those borders that are no longer tested, that remain unconscious, below the surface and out of view. You would never test these boundaries, as they are not living in your consciousness. It’s like gravity or breathing -- they’re just part of your truth.
These un-analyzed, self-created myths can lie dormant for decades, and discovering them can be deeply liberating and satisfying.
Lola’s Limiting Beliefs
Potential limiting beliefs for us as professionals
Another problem with limiting beliefs is that others begin to learn your own self-imposed boundaries and behavioral patterns. I recently watched Lola chase a rabbit out of our yard, screeching to a halt at the edge of the invisible fence. Impressively, the tiny rabbit stopped just outside the fence, watching the barking dog make threatening sounds and movements. The rabbit has learned Lola’s limits and is unafraid.
When we impose limiting beliefs on ourselves, others learn those limits and treat us accordingly.
Unlearning our limiting beliefs
The older we get, the more we may accept invisible fences closing in. As we age, we get more cemented in our careers, expertise, and preferences. We become less likely to try new things that can be risky, or that we assume are impossible. If we’ve failed or had a bad experience, we sometimes permanently close doors that were once swinging wide open.
Some questions to ponder:
What have I never tried before?
What have I spectacularly failed at that I will never do again?
What am I bad at?
What am I hoping I never get asked to do?
What am I embarrassed about?
What feels impossible to me today that I used to do all the time?
As you make your mental list, consider: Which thoughts are automatic? Which beliefs are unexamined? Which belief might be worth challenging?
Our consciousness, subconscious, and unconscious awareness, represented by Lola the dog
We all have limiting beliefs. These are universal challenges to being human, but it would be a shame to live our one life based on the assumption that a fake limit is true.
I hope this article inspires you to bravely reconsider and possibly uncover your limited thoughts and assumed “truths.” Most of us know intuitively that when a challenge is uncomfortable, it means you are growing. But if the fence is raised, we might not even think this is possible.
Lola can’t know how an invisible fence works, but we just might have the ability to remove our collar.
If you are looking for help breaking through a fence or uncovering a limiting belief, let’s talk.
